At first blush

Part 1

And it all started when I received a text message from a new number. I figured it was from Megat. He's a random guy that stalks me everywhere. Figured it was him as the first 4 digits was the same. But it wasn't. I got the wrong person? Who could it be? A single "Hi, whatchu doin?" could be anyone. And so that person replied my message and told me that we should meet up since oh well i didn't know who is he. And so i was joking "Okay why don't you buy me some chocolates then, or I won't come see you." And i put down my phone took my head for the shower. 

Heading for my night prep and totally forget about him i as the usual mondays was on duty in the library. Absolutely silent as if i was in the forest. Alone. There's people. Countable. It ls like the population in the forest has somewhat rather extinct. 

Out of the blue, some bald well not actually fully clean bald kinda way was heading into the library.

When someone loves you, Love them back unconditionally. Not only because thy love you, but thera are also teaching you what love is and they open your heart and eyes.

A reason to live

I gave up.
I lose hope.
I tourture myself
I hate my life.
I trust no one.

All those. I have lived through that. Feeling the failure that lies in my veins. How i have never thought i i could be happy again. Somehow "it" gives a big impact of my life. And how death would be the only solution. But i still have faith. I didn't lose it. In fact, to be honest, at a short brief moment i forgot how faith would be the main reason you could stand strong behind every problems that lies upon you. In Islam we are thought to always keep the faith. Faith upon Allah. The connection with our creators. To me at that moment, I forgot. I forgot to seek for His help. Asking for strength and patience. All i could do was just to sit down and cry.

Wondering what i did wrong. I gave up on my life. I stopped trying and skipped meals, lock myself in my room. Well i don't practically lock the door and all. Just stay in my room all day and night and come out only when i need to. In between time i spend with myself. I thought why is this happening and what did i do wrong? It was at the very beginning that i actually think that THIS particular failure was actually a gift. A stepping stone of success which Allah took away from me emptied from my hands for even a greater gift. Lets be logically optimistic, no plans are better than Allah's plan. For all i know we tried our best and maybe its not yet time to taste what we want. Thou, Allah only gives what you need and not what you want.

All im trying to say, whatever you do, however you do and what lies upon you. Put your heart and mind it is because of Allah. Because everything happens for a reason. And when you think it that way. Your life would be at the calmest state whereby you couldn't even see even the tiniest problem. Seek for His help and ask for his guidance.

What now

For the past years, I haven't written anything about my life, for so long. I stopped thinking that it would be a fool of me to actually write about my life. Seriously, who would bother reading anyway?

I was about the age of 13 when i first started. Then came along twitter whereby its more advance and people could actually directly communicate with you. Its a friendly way for information sharing.But i still feel the slight stupidity in sharing things publicly. Im shy actually. Im not the type of person that could spill my heart out just like that.

And to think of it in another perspective way, people who actually spill and share everything personal, publically really are just people seeking for some ears to be heard. Like somewhat need an attention to be cared of.

And here i am now. Because basically i dont really know how to share things. And i really dont want to. But sometimes you just need to. Just not too much.